THE SPEAKER: Order, order. Jeremy Corbyn.

A LABOUR FRONTBENCHER: Hooray!

JEREMY CORBYN: Will the Prime Minister please take this question about the dire state of something that really matters to ordinary people and completely ignore it in favour of making an embarrassing joke that makes her look nastier than Cruella de Vil and causes the members opposite to laugh hysterically and press their tongues firmly against her buttocks in a transparent display of ingratiation?

THERESA MAY: My Right Honorable Friend has a beard! Look at it! It’s like this really silly beard! Just like Fidel Castro, that other well-known communist!

TORY MEMBERS: [collapse in hysterics]

JEREMY CORBYN: Will the Prime Minister confirm that Brexit does, in fact, mean Fuxit?

THERESA MAY: My friend opposite has a beard! [winks knowingly at the clean-shaven David Davis]

JEREMY CORBYN: Will the Prime Minister confirm that this country is turning into a right shithole under the Conservative government?

THE SPEAKER: Ordure, ordure.

THERESA MAY: My Right Honorable Friend can run down this magnificent country of ours as much as he likes, but he has – wait for it – a fucking beard!

TORY MEMBERS: [die laughing]

JEREMY CORBYN: Has the Prime Minister seen “I, Daniel Blake”?

THERESA MAY: No, does he have a beard?

TORY MEMBERS: [start bombing the food banks]

JEREMY CORBYN: Will the Prime Minister stop talking about my beard please and answer my questions?

THERESA MAY: [puts on Jeremy Corbyn Fake Beard bought earlier from Poundland]

TORY MEMBERS: [all put on fake Corbyn beards and laugh themselves sick]

JEREMY CORBYN: What does it take to have any questions actually answered or any legitimate concerns taken seriously around here?

THERESA MAY: [lighting Cuban cigar off £50 note] Oh fucking cheer up you beardy twat.

TORY MEMBERS: [orgasm]

LABOUR FRONTBENCHER: Nice one, Jezza.

LABOUR BACKBENCHERS: Corbyn out!

MSM PAPERS: Corbyn is a beardy twat – it’s official!