I didn’t expect to be doing another of these (or in fact any ;-)) blog posts quite so soon, but, having had far too much fun with The Kraken Wakes’s top swears a couple of weeks ago, I couldn’t resist doing the same for GaiaTheorist. A bit of background: I started following Gaia in around December 2012 when either someone I was following retweeted something by her, or I just noticed their conversation – I can’t remember which – but the first tweet of hers I ever read contained the unforgettable outburst “badger-vajazzling fucknuts”. I actually can’t locate that precise tweet right now, and I fear the third word may have been “fuckcrumpets” or “cocktrumpets” or “bumgraters” or something else, even, but the “badger-vajazzling” element was definitely present. I was on a busy train heading home from an evening out at the time and I could barely contain myself, just sat there staring at this tweet in hilariated disbelief through watering eyes. My faith in humanity was reassured by the very existence of such inventiveness. I mean what sort of imagination comes up with the adjective “badger-vajazzling”? I started following Gaia immediately on the strength of it.

Gaia also blogs and, even though she herself would probably disagree, she is a very good writer with a fantastic feel for language and a true passion for a number of subjects. Her blog is not for the faint-hearted and she never dresses anything up; in this way she is similar to The Kraken Wakes, although Gaia’s posts are personal, not political; the honesty’ll kill ya. I have implored her many times to write a novel or a memoir or something; for all I know there is actually an epic Gaiatheory in progress but I certainly hope not too much time passes before we see something substantial issue from her laptop. By “substantial” I only mean quantity; I hope she never changes her style, or stops being so direct.

Throughout 2013 I favourited Gaia’s best outbursts and the other day created a custom timeline (below) of selected tweets from her account using Tweetdeck’s nifty new feature. (Technical note: I did this by first showing a column of all my favourites by all users, then filtered that column by her username, then created the new, empty, timeline and dragged selected tweets into it; TweetDeck then lets you “share” the custom timeline including embedding it into your website using a widget from twitter.com.) The tweets aren’t in any particular order (it seems that once you get past a certain number of tweets in a custom timeline, you can no longer manually order them, they just go to the top or the bottom or in the middle, which is a bit rubbish) but perhaps that makes this list (of 44 tweets by my count) even more exciting because you simply don’t know WHAT’S going to come next. You may start to notice a couple of themes developing, such as the dilapidated boiler, “Goatchild” (her teenage son, his privacy protected by a pagan pseudonym), office madness, coffee consumption, personal injury and more. Also, a few of these tweets are not actually sweary but were chosen for other literary qualities.

So here’s the list. CAUTION: 99% of these tweets contain SWEARS. As for my previous post, if you are of a delicate disposition and feel that saying “badger-vajazzling fucktrumpets” is somehow more offensive than, say, what the government is doing to half the country at the moment, LOOK AWAY NOW!

UPDATE 22/6/14: The tweets have since disappeared from the custom timeline because Gaia’s account has recently become protected. They were very funny though, believe me, and you can still send her a follow request.

GaiaTheorist’s Top Swears