The Top 44 Swears from @GaiaTheorist

Badger I didn’t expect to be doing another of these (or in fact any ;-)) blog posts quite so soon, but, having had far too much fun with The Kraken Wakes’s top swears a couple of weeks ago, I couldn’t resist doing the same for GaiaTheorist. A bit of background: I started following Gaia in around December 2012 when either someone I was following retweeted something by her, or I just noticed their conversation – I can’t remember which – but the first tweet of hers I ever read contained the unforgettable outburst “badger-vajazzling fucknuts”. I actually can’t locate that precise tweet right now, and I fear the third word may have been “fuckcrumpets” or “cocktrumpets” or “bumgraters” or something else, even, but the “badger-vajazzling” element was definitely present. I was on a busy train heading home from an evening out at the time and I could barely contain myself, just sat there staring at this tweet in hilariated disbelief through watering eyes. My faith in humanity was reassured by the very existence of such inventiveness. I mean what sort of imagination comes up with the adjective “badger-vajazzling”? I started following Gaia immediately on the strength of it.

Gaia also blogs and, even though she herself would probably disagree, she is a very good writer with a fantastic feel for language and a true passion for a number of subjects. Her blog is not for the faint-hearted and she never dresses anything up; in this way she is similar to The Kraken Wakes, although Gaia’s posts are personal, not political; the honesty’ll kill ya. I have implored her many times to write a novel or a memoir or something; for all I know there is actually an epic Gaiatheory in progress but I certainly hope not too much time passes before we see something substantial issue from her laptop. By “substantial” I only mean quantity; I hope she never changes her style, or stops being so direct.

Throughout 2013 I favourited Gaia’s best outbursts and the other day created a custom timeline (below) of selected tweets from her account using Tweetdeck’s nifty new feature. (Technical note: I did this by first showing a column of all my favourites by all users, then filtered that column by her username, then created the new, empty, timeline and dragged selected tweets into it; TweetDeck then lets you “share” the custom timeline including embedding it into your website using a widget from twitter.com.) The tweets aren’t in any particular order (it seems that once you get past a certain number of tweets in a custom timeline, you can no longer manually order them, they just go to the top or the bottom or in the middle, which is a bit rubbish) but perhaps that makes this list (of 44 tweets by my count) even more exciting because you simply don’t know WHAT’S going to come next. You may start to notice a couple of themes developing, such as the dilapidated boiler, “Goatchild” (her teenage son, his privacy protected by a pagan pseudonym), office madness, coffee consumption, personal injury and more. Also, a few of these tweets are not actually sweary but were chosen for other literary qualities.

So here’s the list. CAUTION: 99% of these tweets contain SWEARS. As for my previous post, if you are of a delicate disposition and feel that saying “badger-vajazzling fucktrumpets” is somehow more offensive than, say, what the government is doing to half the country at the moment, LOOK AWAY NOW!

UPDATE 22/6/14: The tweets have since disappeared from the custom timeline because Gaia’s account has recently become protected. They were very funny though, believe me, and you can still send her a follow request.


The Top 20 Swears from The Kraken Wakes

Happy new year! For my first post of 2014 I’d like to talk a bit about one of my favourite blogs, The Kraken Wakes. Professional wordsmith and “rantologist” Cath Janes regularly takes to task (well, ok, rages against) the very worst of the media, the internet, and people in general who are just basically wrong and infuriating. Cath also has a very distinctive style, perfectly expressing how close she is to exploding with the use of a unique and original vocabulary of swears. Some reading this might think “Hmm” (and indeed if you are easily offended please look away now), but trust me, swearing can be hilarious and justified when done properly and with imagination. Writerists and bloggeuses of all persuasions may also note that one of the reasons the blog works so well is because the tone is so honest and unusual; to make a mark with a blog (The Kraken Wakes has been shortlisted for a number of awards) you don’t just have to write well, or write about something interesting (or about something which interests you), you should also use your own, personal, real voice – and Cath does this in spades.

So anyway, the other day Cath tweeted a rant (yes, she also rants on Twitter) which prompted this conversation:

 

Which made me think: That’s an idea 🙂 So I did.

I first of all went through her blog for some of my favourite rants and found about 25 excellent swears in around only a dozen posts. I then attempted to whittle them down to 10. This proved impossible so I decided on a top 20. I made a few daft notes and, with the aid of a backing track of a cheesy compilation I found on YouTube, recorded this to Audioboo. Needless to say, it contains some very strong language! NSFW etc. If you’re listening in the office or something, the actual text is provided below (which also has links to some of the original posts).

Thoughtcat’s favourite 20 swears from The Kraken Wakes

20. “Oh, for the love of fuck!” (Kraken Wakes passim)

This is pretty standard Kraken swearage but we here at Thoughtcat FM like it because it neatly combines a common idiomatic phrase with the word “fuck”.

19. “arse-tearing short-sightedness”

And I don’t think she’s wishing she went to Specsavers!

18. “the intellectual equivalent of being forced to roam barefoot through Satan’s polyp-riddled colon”

Here at pop towers we’ve never actually done this but we don’t feel like trying!

17. “crystal-fumbling knob-swab”

Sadly the context of this one has been misplaced but we get the impression The Kraken is heartily unimpressed with someone.

16. “it actually disables my various sphincters to the point where I nearly drown”

You said it! And we emphatically agree!

15. A tie between “Hot knackersacks!” and “the knacker-dragging world of knacker-draggers”

Hot knackersacks sounds incredibly like something we’d like to forget! And those knacker-draggers are sure dragging their knackers like some genitaltastic neanderthals.

14. “heartless twat-badger”

We weren’t sure about this one at first because here at pop towers we’re old friends with Brian May and we love badgers, and they’ve been getting a hard enough time as it is lately. But on balance, damn, it’s a great swear!

13. Tatler is “a magazine that is the equivalent of an aristocrat’s rectal polyp”

We couldn’t agree with you more Cath! In fact we’re tearing up copies as we speak.

12. “It’s bad e-fucking-nough”

We wholly concur with the insertion of “fucking”, if you’ll pardon the expression, between existing syllables of an adverb – or is “enough” here used as a determiner or pronoun? Answers on a postcard please!

11. “the piss-flapped stupidity of it exponentially stunned me”

Superb use of mathematical terminology here, Ms Janes!

10. “the cock-fumbling ball-cuppers who produce ‘sexy’ school uniforms”

Absolutely downrightly politically incorrectly correct you are Cath, it’s just disgusting.

9. “I’ll set fire to it with my own flaming piss”

That’s the best superhero power I’ve ever heard! This sure isn’t a woman you’d want to be near when she was about to burst!

8. “I couldn’t give a flying fuck in a fuck factory”

Now we know you don’t really think this Cath, we think you’re really pissed off! But we can dig it.

7. “Who in the caverns of Satan’s crucible of spaff wants to grow up in a world where all teenagers know how to shoot guns?”

Right on once again. I’d personally far prefer to swim in Satan’s spaff than live in such a world… sadly I don’t think this is an option open to me. Read into that what you will.

6. “ever-prancing snot-bangle”

Let’s face it, all kids go through that phase! It lasts about 18 years.

5. “why in the lurching fibroid of fuck are so many parents so incapable of controlling their kids in playgrounds?”

Simply geniusly expressed. Learn some manners, mums and dads!

4. “they should know one bollock of a lot better”

They certainly should, even if it means having an extra bollock. Give em a bollocking, that’s what we say. (Extra points for alliteration)

3. “I have no idea who created I Spy but I’d like to tie the fucker to the back bumper of my car and drag him over shards of frozen piss”

Whew! Is there nothing the Kraken won’t rage against?! Poor old I-Spy, really. Except when you’re on a long car journey and you’ve endured 52 rounds of it, then I know just what you mean.

2. “OK magazine hasn’t apologised for being fat-hating wank-tassels”

And as far as we know they still haven’t. All body sizes are good with us here at pop towers and a big wet fart to those media specimens who can’t see past the end of their own prejudices.

And at number one, the one that caused us the biggest L-O-L:

“Who in the blathering staggerment of ruptured cockage actually cares about this stuff?”

Absolutely, you go girl! Er, if that’s not a sexist comment or anything. Although to give her her due the Kraken’s pretty damn tolerant towards men and their appendages. We here at pop towers are counting our lucky stars for that one I can tell you.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this. It was good fun to do and I may in fact have another crack at audio verbalisation and/or a list of good swears from other bloggers and tweeters in future, so stay tuned…

PCC: complaints about the Daily Mail’s coverage of the Mick Philpott story “not upheld”

A couple of days ago I received an email from Simon Yip of the Press Complaints Commission in response to my complaint about the Daily Mail’s coverage of the Mick Philpott case, which I blogged about back in April.

To my surprise there didn’t seem to be any coverage of this judgment in the media that day, so I’m reproducing here the text of Mr Yip’s email, with some further comments of my own beneath.

I write further to our recent correspondence regarding your complaint against the Daily Mail.

As you will be aware, the Commission received a number of complaints under Clause 1 (Accuracy) of the Editors’ Code of Practice, in relation to two articles which were published following Michael Philpott’s conviction. These were investigated with two lead complainants, in accordance with the Commission’s normal procedures for the investigation of articles which are the subject of multiple complaints.

The investigation of these complaints has now concluded, and the Commission’s rulings have been issued to the parties. The Commission’s decisions, which found no breach of the Code, are set out below for your reference.

I would like to thank you for bringing your concerns to our attention.

With best wishes,

Simon Yip

Commission’s decision in the case of
A woman v Daily Mail

The Commission received a number of complaints in relation to this article. As such, a lead complainant was selected for the purposes of the Commission’s investigation, in accordance with its standard procedures. The complainant was concerned about a front page article which reported Michael Philpott’s conviction for manslaughter following the deaths of six of his children. She considered that, in failing to distinguish clearly between comment, conjecture and fact, the article had breached Clause 1 (Accuracy) of the Editors’ Code of Practice. In particular she was concerned about statements that Mr Philpott had “bred” his children “to milk the welfare state”, that Mr Philpott “embodies everything that is wrong with the welfare state” and the headline: “Vile Product of Welfare UK”. The complainant considered that this inaccurately suggested that the death of Mr Philpott’s children had been caused by the welfare state. She also considered that it was misleading for the article to have omitted statements from the trial that Mr Philpott viewed his children as a symbol of his own virility; she was of the view that this demonstrated that it was inaccurate to suggest that he viewed the children as a source of income. The complainant was further concerned that the article had not emphasised Mr Philpott’s history of domestic violence.

Clause 1(i) states that “the press must take care not to publish inaccurate, distorted or misleading information”; under Clause 1(iii) “the press, whilst free to be partisan, must distinguish clearly between comment, conjecture and fact”.

The newspaper said that the headline had referred to Mr Philpott, not his crime, as being the “vile product of welfare UK”. It said it recognised that this crime was uniquely horrific, and that it was not seeking to generalise from Mr Philpott to the millions of genuine benefits claimants in the UK. The suggestion that Mr Philpott viewed his children as “cash cows” had originally been made in court by the prosecuting barrister who said that “Michael Philpott did not want to work. He just wanted a house full of kids and the benefit money that brings.” The newspaper was of the view that the statement that Mr Philpott “embodies everything that is wrong with the welfare state” was clearly comment, and that its readers would have understood it as such.

Turning first to the complainant’s concerns about the headline, the Commission considered that, taken in the context of the article as a whole, this was an expression of the newspaper’s opinion of Mr Philpott’s character, rather than an assertion that the welfare state was responsible for his crime. In coming to this view, the Commission had particular regard for the fact that the three sub-headlines had referred explicitly to Mr Philpott, his guilt, previous history of violence, and “boasts” of a “sordid lifestyle” – as well as the fact that the article had commenced with a number of statements relating to Mr Philpott’s character, before turning to refer to the specifics of his crime. The headline was a subjective assessment of Mr Philpott in the light of his crimes; it was the newspaper’s opinion that he was “vile”. Consequently it was clear that this was not a statement of fact. As such the Commission did not consider that the newspaper had failed to clearly distinguish this as comment in breach of Clause 1(iii).

The statement that Mr Philpott “embodies everything that is wrong with the welfare state” was a metaphorical expression of the newspaper’s view that Mr Philpott personified its more general concerns about the welfare system. Such a view was clearly a matter of interpretation, and the Commission did not therefore consider that readers were being invited to treat it as a statement of fact. Similarly, the suggestion that Mr Philpott had treated his children as “cash cows” or had used them to “milk” the welfare state was an interpretation of his having funded a widely discussed lifestyle through benefits designed to support his children. The newspaper had been entitled to rely upon views expressed in open court in advancing its opinion on this point, and in doing so it had not presented these as statements of fact. In the light of this, the fact that the newspaper had not published alternative explanations for Mr Philpott’s having had a large number of children had not meant that the article was significantly misleading. Neither had the newspaper been obliged to focus upon his history of domestic violence, although the Commission noted that this was detailed in another article, published in the same edition of the newspaper. There was no breach of Clause 1.

The Commission noted the fact that many complainants had found this article, particularly the headline, deeply offensive; however, it made clear that the terms of the Editors’ Code of Practice do not address issues of taste and offence. The Code is designed to address the potentially competing rights of freedom of expression and other rights of individuals, such as privacy. Newspapers and magazines have editorial freedom to publish what they consider to be appropriate provided that the rights of individuals – enshrined in the terms of the Code which specifically defines and protects these rights – are not compromised. It could not, therefore, comment on this aspect of the complaint further.

Commission’s decision in the case of
A woman v Daily Mail

The Commission received a number of complaints in relation to this article. As such, a lead complainant was selected for the purposes of the Commission’s investigation, in accordance with its standard procedures. The complainant was concerned about an article which commented on the welfare state with reference to Michael Philpott’s conviction for manslaughter. She considered that this had contained inaccurate and misleading information, in breach of Clause 1 (Accuracy) of the Editors’ Code of Practice. The article, headlined “Michael Philpott is a perfect parable for our age: His story shows the pervasiveness of evil born out of welfare dependency”, was opinion piece which criticised what the columnist viewed as abuse of the welfare state highlighted by Mr Philpott’s trial, which the columnist considered to have “lifted the lid on the bleak and often grotesque world of the welfare benefit scroungers”.

The complainant had two general concerns about the accuracy of the article. Firstly, she considered that the article had inaccurately attributed responsibility for Mr Philpott’s crimes to the welfare state, or suggested that these crimes could be explained by the desire to claim benefits. In addition, the complainant was concerned that the article had misleadingly suggested that Mr Philpott and his family were representative of welfare claimants as a whole.

Clause 1(i) states that the press must take care not to publish inaccurate, misleading or distorted information”. Clause 1(iii) states that “the press, whilst free to be partisan, must distinguish clearly between comment, conjecture and fact”.

The Commission first turned to consider the complaint that the article suggested that Mr Philpott’s crimes were caused by the welfare state, and that this had constituted a breach of Clause 1. The complainant had identified a number of statements in the article which she considered to be of concern in this regard: that “the particular manner in which his nastiness was exercised, and the way in which he lived, was the direct consequence of his being able to live scot-free at the expense of the taxpayer”, that Philpott’s children were “killed not only by their father but also by the system which has been designed with the best intentions to help them but has now been corrupted seemingly beyond repair”, and that “what the Philpott trial showed was the pervasiveness of evil caused by benefit dependency”.

The newspaper explained that this was a comment piece, which had presented the columnist’s opinion that the lifestyle Mr Philpott enjoyed prior to his conviction constituted an abuse of the founding principles of the welfare state. For the most part, it was this lifestyle which the article drew attention to and criticised. The newspaper’s position was that, where the article had suggested that the “corruption” of the welfare state was connected to Mr Philpott’s crimes by supporting his lifestyle, this view was clearly distinguished as comment. The newspaper drew attention to statements made by the prosecution during Mr Philpott’s trial that “Mick Philpott did not want to work. He just wanted a house full of kids and the benefit money that brings”, and which furthermore identified the loss of £1000 a month in benefits as “the catalyst for everything which was to follow”, and in its view the opinion published was supported by these statements which had been made in open court.

The Commission acknowledged the fact that the complainant, like many of those who had contacted the PCC in relation to this article, disagreed with the articles suggestion that Mr Philpott’s crimes had some connection to the lifestyle he had led with financial support from the welfare state. However, it did not consider that, in suggesting this connection, the article had made a factual assertion that Mr Philpott’s crime was caused by the welfare state, or that the welfare state was responsible for his children’s death. The article was an opinion piece and, whilst the Commission acknowledged concerns expressed by many complainants about the manner in which these arguments were presented, it was satisfied that where a connection between Mr Philpott’s lifestyle and his crime was suggested, this was clearly distinguished as comment as opposed to fact. Indeed, in commenting on this connection the article’s author had concluded by stating that “it is a difficult matter to prove, but I know what I think”.

The complainant was also concerned that the article had suggested that Mr Philpott was representative of benefit claimants generally. She therefore considered that the article had misleadingly suggested that characteristics of Mr Philpott (particularly with regards to the horrific crimes he had committed) were shared by other individuals who were being supported by the welfare state. In particular, she was concerned by statements that “tens of thousands” of “welfare benefit scroungers” lived in the UK, and that “versions of the Philpott family can be found in any town in Britain”. She provided information to demonstrate that both the amount of benefits being claimed by Mr Philpott and his family, and the crimes which he committed, were exceptional. She therefore said that it was inaccurate to say that families like this could be found “in any town in Britain”.

The article presented the columnist’s opinion that the UK’s welfare system had grown disproportionately from its conception, and that this growth had led to individuals living lives supported by the welfare state which the columnist considered to be an abuse of that system. Michael Philpott was presented as an example of such an individual, as were a number of people who had featured in a BBC documentary series entitled “The Scheme”. Taking the article as a whole, the Commission was satisfied that the columnist had used the evidence disclosed at trial about Mr Philpott’s lifestyle to highlight his broader concerns about the welfare state. The article acknowledged the fact that Mr Philpott’s case was an extreme example, and the Commission did not consider that the article had suggested that his conduct was representative of welfare claimants as a whole. Whilst the Commission noted the complainant’s position that it was unclear which of Mr Philpott’s characteristics were being referred to in suggesting that these were widespread, it did not consider that this had resulted in the article being significantly inaccurate or misleading. The columnist’s view, that tens of thousands of welfare claimants were “scroungers” and his view that these individuals’ lifestyles constituted an abuse of the system, was clearly distinguished as an expression of his opinion. Whilst the Commission acknowledged the fact that, for many complainants, this opinion and the decision to use Mr Philpott’s case as an example in support of it was deeply offensive, the columnist was entitled to express his view so long as in doing so the article distinguished clearly between comment conjecture and fact. In the absence of a failure to comply with the terms of Clause 1(iii) there was no breach of the Code.

Simon Yip
Complaints Coordinator
Press Complaints Commission

I don’t think there are really many surprises here. Here are a few non-researched, non-academic thoughts of mine:

1) the Editors’ Code of Conduct may be designed to stop readers being misled, and perhaps it was clear that some claims were “comment” rather than statements of fact. That doesn’t mean that readers can’t be persuaded emotionally by a headline like “Vile product of welfare UK”.

2)  “the headline … taken in the context of the article as a whole … was an expression of the newspaper’s opinion of Mr Philpott’s character, rather than an assertion that the welfare state was responsible for his crime.” Oh really? Coulda fooled me. Are we really that stupid?

3) “the terms of the Editors’ Code of Practice do not address issues of taste and offence”. No kidding.

4) “The Commission acknowledged the fact that the complainant … disagreed with the articles [sic] suggestion that Mr Philpott’s crimes had some connection to the lifestyle he had led with financial support from the welfare state. However, it did not consider that, in suggesting this connection, the article had made a factual assertion that Mr Philpott’s crime was caused by the welfare state, or that the welfare state was responsible for his children’s death. The article was an opinion piece.” Weasel words, surely?

5)  “The columnist’s view, that tens of thousands of welfare claimants were ‘scroungers’ and his view that these individuals’ lifestyles constituted an abuse of the system, was clearly distinguished as an expression of his opinion.” This surely blurs a line between comment and fact: if you dress up prejudice in comment you don’t have to be accurate about numbers.

6) The PCC’s judgment was only in respect of one “typical” complaint because the poor things had so many complaints to wade through. The response I received did not comment on my complaints that the Mail’s reporting and so-called “comment” breached the Code on the grounds of harrassment, invasion of privacy, children, intrusion into grief or shock…

7) Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre is chair of the PCC’s Editors’ Code of Practice Committee. 

More dusty old memorabilia: A Dragon Story

I’m not sure if I’ll resurrect Badge of the Day or not; it’s not so much getting the time to do it as wondering if a literally random badge isn’t too weird in some cases, even though I guess it can lead into unexpected areas. I’m a big fan of “randomness” and guess I have a fatalistic view of things (in other words, nothing’s “random”), but trying to find meaning on even a daily basis in some obscure element of my childhood is pushing it a bit. I think I might instead choose something I find interesting from all this “dusty old memorabilia” (as Donald Fagen has it on his latest wonderful album, Sunken Condos) as I think it’ll be more interesting. Marginally 😉

So, here’s the latest from my recent unearthings of Stuff From My Past™ – an early work of Thoughtcat fiction from a school exercise book, dated “11th of November” 1977 (I would’ve been six and a half).

Here’s the text:

A Dragon Story

One day a Dragon called Borris a very, very furious dragon went to the woods to visit his brother. and sudenly he Realised he had Lost his way and Then he sat down and he cried. and Then his Brother came along the Path. hello said his Brother. his Brother’s name was Timothy.

Wish I was still that good.

How Eric Clapton’s set list changed between 1989 and 1992

In my recent unearthing of memorabilia I found several old concert tickets. One was from the first rock concert I ever went to – Eric Clapton and His Band at the Albert Hall on 28th January 1989. The band in question had Mark Knopfler on guitar, and (as I recall) Greg Phillinganes on keyboards, Nathan East on bass, Steve Ferrone on drums, Katie Kissoon and Tessa Niles on backing vocals, and possibly Ray Cooper on percussion. Carole King was the special guest and came out to do a couple of duets. The support was Buckwheat Zydeco who had just released an album with a version of Why Does Love Got To Be So Sad? on it, on which EC had guested, but their guitarist that night was a fairly unexciting bloke (sorry).

Eric Clapton gig ticket from 1989

Anyway, stapled to the concert ticket was a scribbled set-list with a few notes. With the power of the internet I could no doubt easily find the exact set list from that particular gig, but I quite like the idea of having my own personal scrawled one, so as an item of interest, here it is:

Crossroads (started off as EC solo, then the band came on to add instrumentation)

White Room (Knopfler adding interesting fills)

I Shot the Sheriff (started with a slow non-reggae arrangement of the chorus)

Bell Bottom Blues (arrangement straight out of “Layla”)

Lay Down Sally (Knopfler doing some jazzy licks)

After Midnight – with Carole King

Can’t Find My Way Home – with Carole King (Knopfler playing copious fill-ins on nylon-string guitar)

Wonderful Tonight (slow intro, false ending)

Forever Man (EC forgets to stop smoking in time so has to play the whole solo with fag in mouth)

Tearing Us Apart (Katie Kissoon duet) – EC plays “laid-back” solo [whatever that means]

Wanna Make Love To You

Cocaine (“slow”)

Same Old Blues (soft & jazzy with fantastic Nathan East bass solo, doubling the notes on vocals, George Benson-style)

Layla (long, moody intro)

Encores:

Behind The Mask

Sunshine of Your Love – arrangement noted as “chorus, (instr.), rest [rest of band?!], solos, finish”

As a first gig it was feasibly not the most “alternative” in the world but I loved it, especially as a young guitarist. EC is still my main guitar influence and, if you like, all-time “guitar hero”. Some things never leave you no matter what else you do or listen to.

A few years later, on 18th February 1992 to be precise, I went to see him again, also at the Albert Hall. I don’t remember all of the band members this time although it was just before Unplugged, and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been the same band from that album. When EC introduced a short sit-down acoustic set, he clearly wasn’t able to use the word “Unplugged” possibly for contractual reasons (or just to maintain the element of surprise) and instead said “We recently did a concert of unamplified songs… well, not unamplified, but unelectrified.”

Eric Clapton gig ticket from 1992

For this gig I was up in the choir seats behind the band, which was a bit strange, but it was an interesting perspective as it made you feel like you were almost on the stage. Here’s my set list from that night:

White Room

Pretending

Anything For Your Love

I Shot the Sheriff

Running on Faith

She’s Waiting

Sit-down acoustic mini-set:

The Circus Has Left Town

Tears in Heaven

A then unnamed piece I wrote down as “TV sitcom instrumental” which later turned up on “Unplugged” as Signe

(Electrified again)

“Blues” (possibly Same Old Blues, or just some generic blues thing)

Nobody Knows You When You’re Down and Out

Tearing Us Apart

Before You Accuse Me (which broke out into about two dozen solos paying homage to loads of old riffs such as Duane Eddy’s Peter Gunn)

Old Love

Badge

Wonderful Tonight

Layla

Encores:

Crossroads

Sunshine of Your Love, featuring Ray Cooper Percussion Extravaganza™.

Of the two gigs, the first one was slightly more special because it was the first, but the second was probably more interesting musically. Then again, Mark Knopfler’s contribution to the first really made that show; if he’d not been there it wouldn’t have been anywhere near as interesting. (Yes, I know that might be the first time that the words “Mark Knopfler” and “interesting” have been seen on the same web page together, but believe me that guy is good when, er, he doesn’t sing or play his own songs…)

Finally, the other interesting thing (at least to me) about these tickets is how cheap they were. Even allowing for inflation and the fact that I didn’t have great seats, these were still the days when you could go to a gig by a major artist and have change from £20. Unheard-of now, the money-grabbing bastards.

Chelsey: Everything that’s right about this country

This week’s episode of 24 Hours in A&E had me in tears. Honestly, who would want to do a job in the NHS, especially with the dwindling resources they’re given? People who give a shit about people, that’s who. The entire programme is worth watching for the expertise of the staff and the tenderness shown by people toward each other, but there’s one particular section which cut right to the bone, starting at 35:04. The clip below should start there, but if it doesn’t, and you’ve only got a few minutes, skip to it. It’s worth sitting through four crappy adverts for. It’s a three-minute section in which an ordinary teenage girl called Chelsey is waiting in A&E and spots an old man waiting for treatment. He reminds her of her grandad, who she quit college to care for. He died of a stroke and she not only misses him, she misses caring for him. This is the sort of person that I think is the real essence of this country and who gives me hope that this crappy society, this appalling selfish austerity regime we’re currently living through, isn’t all there is. Chelsey has more humanity and compassion in her little finger than the David Camerons and George Osbornes and Iain Duncan Smiths and, especially, the Jeremy Hunts who – self-appointedly, self-righteously, without mandate – run this place have, or will ever have, in their entire pathetic, shitty, self-serving, privileged, posturing bodies. And I don’t mind them knowing it.

And yes I am also a bit in love with Chelsey, but anyone with a heart who watched that programme would be too.

(Badge of the day will be back soon…)

Badge of the day: Mr Wimpy

Mr Wimpy "Be kind to animals" badgeWimpy Bars were fantastic. Supposedly they still exist but you hardly see them anymore. When I was a kid, by comparison, you only saw them and hardly ever a McDonalds. Quite often when I was growing up my dad would take me up to London (we lived half an hour’s train ride from Waterloo), sometimes to visit museums, parks, exhibitions or the cinema but often simply to walk around the city, and invariably we would end up in a Wimpy at some point for a cup of tea. Usually I would want tea and my dad a hot chocolate; he was rather particular about his tea, I think, and although I never knew him to drink hot chocolate at any other time, he would order it at places like Wimpy because it was “the only thing they can’t screw up”. I didn’t know what he meant; the tea tasted OK to me. Wimpy Bars were like modern burger bars with one massive difference: you sat down and a waitress came and took your order and brought it to you. This happens so rarely in cafes now that whenever I’m in one I instinctively go up to the counter to place my order, expecting it to be self-service like we’ve become used to, and when they say “Take a seat, I’ll bring it over” I instantly fall in love with the place. Anyway, in my recollection the Wimpy waitress (not being sexist here, it was invariably a woman) would then bring the tea and hot chocolate over and give me the hot chocolate and my dad the tea, the logical assumption. My dad would then chuckle and say it was the other way round. I have a particularly happy memory of this happening when we were sitting in the Wimpy outside Waterloo station one Sunday afternoon after one of our wanders, watching the traffic. I’m pretty sure the tables (and possibly also the chairs) were fixed to the floor, and the table tops were covered in a hard-wearing vinyl of a small check pattern. We would talk about everything, although I can’t remember any of the conversations now. I especially liked the squeezy ketchup bottles which I think were embossed with a Wimpy motif.

Mr Wimpy was the mascot of the burger chain. Dressed like a London beefeater, his eyes were hidden under his hat and his mouth was mostly hidden under his ruff, only his gigantic nose showing. Looking him up now on Wikipedia reminds me he was drafted into service as a video game character in the 1980s, but I don’t remember this happening and frankly don’t approve of it. I also don’t remember the particular campaign featured on the badge, or any such campaigns really, but it seems a sensible one and no doubt popular with kids (I had lots of pets and was a member of the RSPCA). Of course, Mr Wimpy could have been really kind to animals by not serving them up in his cafes, but… burgers. Yum.

Badge of the day: Ahlan

Ahlan badgeQuite how I came into possession of this badge I’m not sure, but I think it must have been one that my gran gave me. My gran was a widow and lived alone in a council bedsit a few miles from us in Richmond, southwest London, and for a while she had a job as a cleaner at the halls of residence of what she called the “American college“. Sometimes when I saw her she would give me things she’d perhaps been given by the students or, more likely, they’d left behind and would otherwise have gone into the rubbish. One gift I remember was the “pyramids” poster from inside the original Dark Side of the Moon album, which I thus saw many years before I actually heard the record. I may be wrong about the way “Ahlan” fits into this picture; I didn’t know then what it meant or represented, and Google now turns up a mass of results, evidently because “ahlan” translates as a common welcome/greeting in Arabic and hence it’s popular as a business or service name. Given the plane motif however I’m going to assume the Ahlan of the badge is this personal concierge service at Dubai International Airport. The student connection therefore seems unlikely on the face of it, but the students at the “American college”, housed in a magnificent building which I don’t recall ever seeing in years of living in the area, were probably not hard up for a few bob, and some would have come from the UAE and other exotic international destinations.

Badge of the day: Ryde

"Ryde" badgeHmm, Ryde: it’s in the Isle of Wight, isn’t it? I had to think about that for a second. My geography’s rubbish anyway but what threw me was why I might have a badge for just a bit of a small island and not instead the whole island. I do remember at least one visit to the Isle of Wight as a child, the ferry crossing over the Solent, some mini-golf, some beaches, and buying a jar of multi-coloured sand to bring home. It’s a very nice place, as I recall – not for nothing was it namechecked in the Beatles’ When I’m Sixty-Four as a place to rent a cottage in. The only other thing that puts the Isle of Wight on the map for me is that three-quarters of top 80s band Level 42 were from there. Whatever happened to them and their whacky slap-bassmeister Mark King? I caught up with them as part of researching this blog post. (Don’t worry, I didn’t.) The Isle of Wight is also famous of course for the festivals, which featured three of my favourite people, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen.

The Isle of Wight seems to me a very “English” place. Its official tourist website describes it as “England in a nutshell”, the I Love Ryde website has a video of morris dancers, the island’s MP varies between Conservative and Liberal Democrat (i.e. no difference) and its main local newspaper is the Isle of Wight County Press, which Wikipedia tells us quaintly “costs 75p. It discusses local issues and is published each Friday, or the previous working day if the Friday is a public holiday.” The article compares the island in size to Rutland, which is not to be confused with Rutland Weekend Television.

But back to Ryde. Again, why a badge just for Ryde? Do each of the island’s towns compete with each other? Are you only considered a proper visitor if you have the full collection of badges from all the other parts? Ryde is the island’s largest and most populous town, and I guess the ferry probably docked there, and not having a car we wouldn’t have strayed much further on our visit than the town of our arrival. The coat of arms is intriguing but I can’t seem to find much about it: this charming enthusiast’s site has a larger version (at the very bottom 0f the page) although labels it the “Medina coat of arms”, further Googling of which reveals completely different designs. I like the little sea monster at the top though, like a sort of horse mermaid; a merhorse, if you will. The yellow stars on the blue background also echo the European flag, and I like the idea that that might annoy some of the little-Englanders who run the place.

UPDATE: My excellent friend and sauce expert Ali writes: “Also in Ryde there is a Donald McGill ‘saucy postcard’ museum, which is fantastic and well worth £3.50″. That site also has an absolutely charming and exquisitely-worded section about whether the museum is suitable for children (it is, of course, but given the sort of horrors that children are often exposed to these days it’s lovely of them to even think about putting that on).

Badge of the day: I’m a Brighter Writer (with a Sheaffer, anyway)

I'm a Brighter Writer - Sheaffer No Nonsense badgeToday’s badge took a few moments to register. I permitted myself a knowing laugh when I saw it, as at one point in my life I tried pretty hard to be a writer. I had a few poems published here and there in my early twenties, and also wrote a couple of novels, one of which I self-published and is still available. I like to say I didn’t give up writing, but rather it gave me up; I didn’t make a conscious decision to stop, I just found I was doing more and more web development, which gives me a similar sense of satisfaction. So to think that at one time as a child I might’ve worn this badge or been given it because I showed writerly promise gives me mixed feelings.

Having said all that, on second glance this badge isn’t actually about creative writing, but writing nicely. I had fantastic handwriting as a kid, if I say so myself. As the badge suggests, I used a Sheaffer fountain pen, with lovely blue ink cartridges and an italic nib. It’s interesting looking at the Sheaffer website now and finding it’s an American company, as for some reason I’d assumed it was European. I didn’t study calligraphy properly, I just developed my own style. The badge advertises the No Nonsense range, which rings a vague bell… ah! The very cockles of my heart are warmed to find a website with the wonderful name of PenHero.com which has some information about Sheaffer’s No Nonsense pens, complete with photos. Mine was black with gold edging. I actually just rummaged for the original, as my recent house move has left me still half-surrounded by boxes of stuff from my past – no luck so far, but what I have found is an example of my handwriting from when I was about 12:

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Not bad huh? This is what it’s like now (this is from some notes written quickly in a journal, but even so):

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Handwriting is thus merely one of a number of things I did better as a kid than I do as a grown-up. Of course, it’s a skill you don’t need so much these days, but even so, maybe I should wear the badge and re-learn how to write more brightly, and with less nonsense. I might even start a handwritten blog… once I find my fountain pen, that is.